CRYING LIKE A CHILD

There are some people that just aren't Ebonerds. They may be talented... but aren't quite ebonerd smart. They dress hipster, nerd-chic... but that's just being a nerd-poser. What do you do when you aren't smart or awkwardly dressed enough to be an Ebonerd? Well there is a type of Ebonerd that we haven't discussed much... the type who inspite of physically and legally reaching maturity, they still exhibit some of the worst attributes of childhood.

Case in point Chris Brown. His childhood attribute of choice is the temper tantrum. You all remember about a year ago when he had to cancel his award show appearance when he BIT Rhianna. BTW, kids, hiting women isn't cool and biting women is on some orangutan level of "cave-manery."

If that wasn't enough Chris Brown ruined another award show (maybe it's all of the performance pressure that gets to him). He was performing a Michael Jackson tribute at this year's BET Awards when he just broke out crying. It would have been nice if it was a single tear or maybe even a "James Brown-walk me off the stage with my cape-move." Nope, it was just plain old ugly crying (like you attend a C.O.G.I.C. church and they won't let you join until you tarry at the altar a little more). The kind where your nose gets drippy and you make that indistingishable cry talk that sounds like you have a hearing problem. Chris Brown cried like a 7 year old whose pet Pig had just been slaughtered by his grandfather and he was now being forced to eat it at the family dinner. But who knows, maybe they were serving Bubbles the Chimpanzee (Michael Jackson's monkey) at the afterparty and Chris found out ahead of time.

The lesson is kids, if you can't have a good ebonerd quality then have a bad one... and throw a tantrum pitching crayons in the middle of a Walmart.

WORLD CUP EDITION: PICK A COLOR, ANY COLOR. click here:

I understand that you are at the World Cup games (soccer/football's world championship) and you are excited about representing your nation's colors... but come on Cameroon! Can you all just stick to a two-color scheme for your uniforms? It's bad enough that you are pairing Dr. J-high socks with John Stockton-tiny shorts. To make that even worse you put your shorts and tops in the "Santa's little helper" Christmas color theme and paired it with some cheddar cheese socks. It's like the Oompah Loompah's and the Green Bay Packers got hired by a uniform making sweatshop and just let the magic happen. Sadly Cameroon was the first team to be defeated and sent back to their home country empty handed (where I assume that Eddie Murphy is their the Prince and heir to the throne). I guess those glow in the dark colors nade them easy to defend. Keep it nerdy Cameroon!

P.S.- If you think that Cameroon's athletes outfits were bad, check out there fans below:

ULTIMATE EBONERDOM II click here:

To those of you still who are still denying that Barack Obama is a nerd, I submit a picture that will officially put you on suicide watch.

No, he hasn't joined the Nation of Islam but he may have joined the Acadamy of Sciences... or he has just joined the Glee Club at Harry Potter's alma mater. But there's no denying it... Obama doesn't care about you thinking that he's cool anymore. Goodbye basketball court behind the White House, Hello Dungeons & Dragons tournaments in the White House basement.

WORKING @ THE APPLE STORE. click here:

Your mom and dad worked hard to put you through school. Your dad was a mechanic. Customers came to him when their children wrecked their cars. Your mom worked at the department store at the mall. Customers came to her when they were grown adults who couldn't pick out what to wear. They worked hard so that you wouldn't have to do what they do.

You work at the Apple Store at the mall. Customers come to you when their grown adult children who moved back in with them dropped their I-Phones in the toilet.

Wear that Blue shirt with pride.

PRISON LIBRARY click here:

You may be saying to yourself, "Hey I'd like to be an Ebonerd, but I'm presently incarcerated. I can't be a nerd and be locked up." Not so my friend! Make your way on down to the prison library. Prison can be like one really long study-hall, where you also get to lift weights and instead of gold stars you get cigarettes. Remember the movie "South Central?" You can be the prison intellectual, jail-bird lawyer, locked-up literary fanatic or parolee philosopher. Turn that thing around brotherman and "get your learn on." You'd probably be suprised what literary classics you have available to you in your jailhouse collection. However I'd imagine that your fellow inmates in the Aryan Brotherhood gang have first dibs on copies of "Mein Kamf."

MATCHING BOWTIES & SUSPENDERS WHILE NOT PARTRICIPATING IN A WEDDING. click here:

There was a point when I thought that matching patterns on ties/bowties with suspenders... but then Tupac Shakur was killed, Bill Clinton won a second term and I was promoted to the 11th grade.

ASHINESS click here:

Usually part of being a nerd is not being on top of some facet of your "aesthetic game"... clothes, glasses, hair, etc. For black nerds this may also take the form of untreated ashy skin. If you really want to up your nerdSWAGGER, then expose those ashy knees and elbows.

BATHROOM FINGER click here:

Here's another treat for all of the chrurch nerds out there... specifically black protestant church nerds. As you are aware there is a proper way to move from your church pew to the bathroom in the middle of a church service... with your "pointer finger" pointed up. Why is this the black church bathroom ritual? I haerd that it traces back to slavery days, but I am not sure if that is the official story. the only thing we can say for sure is that it has magical powers that makes one invisible while exiting a worship service.

If you are visiting a black church this Sunday, feel free to use the bathroom finger & impress everyone with your proper church etiquette. I have actually caught myself instinctually throwing up the bathroom finger at my own home when excusing myself from dinner with company.

DEACON'S BENCH click here:

What's so special about an old wooden bench? Well if you are a serious church nerd then you may have been on the "junior deacon board." If so, then this bench was the future that you aspired to obtain. It is the Senior Deacon's bench on the side of the pulpit at church... where the real power sits.

NEW BALANCE click here:

Regular black people have been on a history-long boycott of the New Balance shoe company. What did they do? They created ugly sneakers. Yes sneakers are supposed to help you excercise and/or be comfortable. However they are also supposed to make kids look cool. New Balance sneakers are kryptonite to being a cool black kid. So if you are young and black and have a pair of these then I regret to inform you that you have no chance of ever being cool. Now finish enjoying your evening jog, upon which you will retire with a bowl of hummus and blue corn chips to watch "Mad About You" episodes.

P.S.- Unless you are Kenyan you have no chance of winning that Cross-Country track tournament tomorrow.

STAR WARS click here:

There are some things that unite nerds of all races. One of those things is being a Star Wars fan. Star Wars has brought onboard many "cool guy" actors (like Harrison Ford) to help you conceal your nerdiness when watching their films. For the black community they included baby-boomer heart-throb Billy Dee Williams. He can't be a nerd, right? I mean, he's a malt liquor selling, ladies man. Wrong. He's a malt liquor-selling, ladies man who starred in a Star Wars movie with a cape.

We're coming for you next samual L. Jackson!

KLINGONS click here:

Ever notice that in the later series of Star Trek the Klingons were disproportionately black? This didn't help with the "black guys as thugs" stereotype, considering that the Klingons were the most warlike. Come to think of it the Ferengis were sorta black to and they weren't trustworhy... Come on Star Trek! What's really going on?

BLACK BART click here:

This is a blast from the past. This is also something that was not only key to ebonerds, but all black people got into these knok-ff "Black Bart Simpson" tee shirts. It was really nerdy when you think about it but it just went with the whole Public Enemy/KRS1 time we were living in.

MALCOLM X GLASSES click here:

This is an unwritten rule, but if you wanna get your ebonerd game on proper & pass yourself off as afrocentric or be a pseudo-intellectual then you must invest in some brother Malcolm glasses immediately.

***FYI, you will actually be able to pull women with this gimmick. especially if you read them while attending an HBCU, sitting under a tree, abstaining from pork and reading W.E.B. DuBois, Nicki Giovanni and/or protesting the treatment of black women on B.E.T... all at the same time.

LEATHER AFRICA MEDALLIONS click here:

Remember when Hip Hop used to uplift the black community and we were all planning to go back to Africa instead of going back to jail? Well if you do then you might remember everyone wearing these necklaces, a la Chuck D from Public Enemy.

CHESS click here:

Chess unites nerdom the world over. As an Ebonerd you have two options to live out your chess glory years. First fo course there is the chess team in high school. Then in your senior years you can join the group of old men who play chess on the street downtown, at the inner-city park, the old folks home or in the local McDonald's. Playing Dominoes and throwing horseshoes are too low brow for a gentleman of your caliber. Plus if you can't beat your competitors just outlive them. Ebonerdom knows no age limits.

WIERD ANIMALS AS PETS click here:

Yes everyone loves pets. The more wealth you attain, the more exotic your possible pet choices. If you are a nerd then those choices get a lot stranger/goofier as well. You also will increase your "treat my pet like a human" factor as well. As you can see, iconic Ebonerd Michael Jackson treats hs dog like a dog. However his mokey appears to be attending pre-school classes on the Planet of the Apes.

P.S.- Don't send me any e-mails correcting me and saying "it's a chmpanzee, not a monkey." I am aware of this. Now return to watching your 72-hour Animal Planet marathon.

ULTIMATE EBONERDOM click here:

Yes, that is a picture of Kanye West shooting some kind of laser gun. If you are an Ebonerd then this photo is probably very exciting to you. Finding this is the black nerd equivalent to discovering that Barack Obama and Oprah Winfrey are your biological parents.

TUCKED-IN T-SHIRT click here:

Yes ladies and gentlemen, that is indeed our president identifying himself as ebonerd by tucking his t-shirt into his pants. You probably thought that Obama is pretty cool. Well he is, however he is still very much an ebonerd at the same time. I think that the best way to describe his particular brand of ebonerd qualities would be "Daddyness." He does a lot of things that makes dads dorks. Things like bicycling around the neighborhood in the men's equivalent of "mom jeans" or wearing sports gear and wearing it the "smart and responsible way." That's what the "daddyness" factor does. It makes you take cool and fun stuff and turn it "responsible, efficient and safe." I wouldn't be suprised if Obama has a pair of New balance sneakers in his closet.

STILL OWNING A BEEPER click here:

You are not a doctor or a drug dealer, so why do you still have a beeper cliped on your Wrangler jeans? Oh, what's that you say? You are a collector of classic communications artifacts? Ah, I see. Spoken like a true Ebonerd.

RIMS ON A PRIUS click here;